Introduction
Could your parenting approach be accidentally affecting your autistic child in a way you didn’t plan? Many loving parents work hard to understand their autistic child, then trying to match their complex needs, all while fending off stigma, stares, and other challenges. So, taking time to reflect on how our hard-won parenting approach might be impacting our children negatively??? That is a lot to ask of us, isn’t it?
But here’s the thing, even with the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into patterns that feel right and follow all the best autism parenting advice but can still end up leading to stressful situations. When we actually get a moment to stop and wonder why we keep ending up in a stressful place, it can be hard to identify what is going wrong because all we can see are our good intentions.
One of these things we can accidentally get wrong is being reactive when we are trying to be responsive. Let’s take a closer look at these two ideas.
Reactive Parenting
What exactly is reactive parenting? This involves quickly stepping in with corrections. It can look like performing tasks for your child because you assume they can’t do it themselves or speaking up for them before they can respond on their own. It can also look like “helping” when you see some minor struggles before a child can try to overcome the challenge. It often originates from the you- feeling stressed or feeling pressured for time. Think about how often you might be rushing to get out the door for some appointment, and in doing so, take over tasks your child could do themselves to speed up the process. I often catch myself doing this at the checkout line when the cashier asks my son a simple question like, “How old are you?” I know he can answer, yet I will answer for him to avoid holding up the line.
But reactive parenting shows up in the little everyday things that you don’t even notice you’re doing. Maybe it’s helping your child with a zipper or brushing their teeth out of habit rather than need, these minor interventions can start to form a pattern. We get so used to doing things for our kids, we forget to stop and check if they still really need our help. We also forget to stop and give them time to explore their own capacity. It’s a common pitfall among parents of special needs children that learned early in their child’s journey that they need more from you, and then they keep fitting that narrative without reflecting on whether it has changed.
Embracing Responsive Parenting
Now let’s take a look at responsive parenting. Responsive parenting is about offering your child space and time to respond. It’s about approaching them and their abilities with curiosity, not assumptions. It means managing our impulses to always help and avoiding knee-jerk reactions to when we want to avoid seeing them struggle. This approach promotes confidence and self-efficacy, encouraging children to trust their instincts, tackle problems independently, and navigate challenges.
Responsive parenting let’s our children know that we have faith in them to figure things out. It also let’s them know that it is ok if they don’t get it exactly right, because we will still be there to help if and when they need it. It gives our children the opportunity to practice trying and growing without fear of failure. It lets them see that we are ok with whatever their ability for a task is in that moment, without judgement.
All of this said, remaining a consistently responsive parent is unrealistic. That isn’t the goal, here. The goal is to deliberately and intentionally reflect on how much we are participating in each kind of parenting and to take action to move toward a more responsive approach when we can. While you do this, it is important to keep reflection and self-talk about parenting neutral and curious. Treat yourself with the same grace and patience we offer our kids!
Conclusion
Parenting, particularly with autistic children, is complicated and demanding. While none of us gets it right all the time, being aware of the potential for reactive behavior and preparing for unintended consequences can help mitigate stress and difficulties. By fostering a space to learn from our misconceptions and adapting accordingly, we can better support our children through their unique challenges and keep a home environment that feels calm and open more so than not.
Now this blog is part of a series on YouTube where I will discuss several unintended consequences of good parenting over the next few weeks. If you found this discussion useful, consider following my YouTube channel, Parenting through ASD, for more insights. I’ll also continue the discussion here with more blogs in the series.
Parenting Through ASD 